Communication with the Ex

My friend RJ over at SingleDad.com just wrote a great article in answer to a member question. I thought it would be good to share with you. Here is an excerpt with a link to the rest of the article:

This past month, I have received several requests regarding Single Parent dating Advice. One of them caught my immediate attention, and it read something like this:

“I am dating a SingleDad and he communicates with his ex-wife too much, how do I stop him?”

I was interested in getting the rest of the story, so I made contact with the member to elaborate on what was going on in this relationship. For the sake of everyone’s privacy in this story, I’m going to call the girlfriend Mary, the single dad Mike, and the ex-wife Nancy.

So Mary’s telling me that she has been dating Mike for over two years now and she feels that her relationship is pretty committed….Read the rest

Communication with the Ex

My friend RJ over at SingleDad.com just wrote a great article in answer to a member question. I thought it would be good to share with you. Here is an excerpt with a link to the rest of the article:

This past month, I have received several requests regarding Single Parent dating Advice. One of them caught my immediate attention, and it read something like this:

“I am dating a SingleDad and he communicates with his ex-wife too much, how do I stop him?”

I was interested in getting the rest of the story, so I made contact with the member to elaborate on what was going on in this relationship. For the sake of everyone’s privacy in this story, I’m going to call the girlfriend Mary, the single dad Mike, and the ex-wife Nancy.

So Mary’s telling me that she has been dating Mike for over two years now and she feels that her relationship is pretty committed….Read the rest

Empowered to do Battle the Smart Way, Part 2

Last time I talked about picking battles with my kids about clothes, bed and bath time, food, and friends. This time I'll talk about doing or not doing battle with the ex.

The Ex

Battles with the Ex have raged on since the beginning of time (well almost). My ex is no different with the exception of nasty arguments and name calling.

 

When I realized that we would not be raising our children together I made a decision to treat the relationship as business arrangement. Yes, I know, it’s easier said than done if he’s less than nice and purposely gives you a hard time. Once I realized that using the kids to make his life miserable or demanding what he “owed” me, I simply made a mental list of what I would need from him in order to raise my children. Surprisingly, when it was all said and done the list was very small. All I needed (and it turns out that it really wasn’t a need) was for him to pay child support.

 

I am fortunate that he willingly complied to pay child support without a court order so I’ve received it since the birth of my daughter. I had no problem with him visiting the kids or arranging a holiday visit.

 

I learned that by removing my emotions I am able to reduce the battles and get on with living, without him that is. If your ex is hard to get along with and is determined to make your life miserable you may consider finding an advocate to deal with him for you. It could be a friend, a parent, or a sibling. It doesn’t have to be a long term arrangement, just long enough until he understands that you are only concerned with the business of caring for your child.

 

Getting entangled in arguments and bitter fights with your ex just gives him power and control over you. Yes it's true; allowing people to push your buttons puts them in control of your life and behavior. I don't mean to lecture, but I've learned the hard way and just have to share with you. You have to get to the point where you are not angry at him or hurt that he’s no longer in your life. Until you do you will remain embattled with him and have a miserable life.

 

Next time I'll discuss family/friend battles. Here's to your empowerment!

 

Rockin' Single Mom Sam

Empower Yourself to Pick Good Battles

When I think about all the stuff that I’ve had to deal with as a single mom I’m reminded that it’s better to pick my battles rather than get wiped out in a pointless war. There is too much going on in my life to allow nit-picky things ruin my day, my relationships, and my health. I empower myself by picking my battles carefully in all areas of my life. A few battles that readily come to mind involve the kids, the Ex, the family/friends, and the job . Here are a few ways I’ve managed that might be helpful to you.

 

The Kids

Everyday there is something to fight about with the kids. Mine are in elementary and middle school so they pretty much have a mind of their own. There is the potential to battle over clothes, food, bath and bed time, as well as choice of friends.

 

The clothing battle, especially for my 12 year old daughter is a potential battle zone. She’s at the age where clothes equal popularity and the latest trends put a strain on my cash flow. Looking like Hanna Montana or the latest kid pop star is cool for her but the wacky/tacky fashions, not to mention the body hugging, parts revealing attire is enough to make me want to scream.

 

But I’ve learned to set a few guidelines and let her decide what she will wear. I do an quick, informal inspection before we leave the house and make firm suggestions when she wears a questionable top that will give all the little boys whiplash. She complies because she already knows the rules up front so that battle is diffused before it even gets started.

 

My 8 year old son is easier to handle. Just give him some jeans and a shirt and he’s good to go. There are times though when I have to remind him to put on matching socks or switch his shoes around because he still has trouble with two left feet at times.

 

Next time I'll talk about battles with the ex.

 

Rockin' Single Mom Sam