Everyday I read about celebrity women deciding to become single moms for one reason or another. I find this disturbing for a number of reasons, the number one of which is the message is sends to the girls and young women who look up to them.
Another reason is, while they proudly flaunt their new status, they will likely never feel the pressure and stress of being a true single mom. They’ll have assistants and nannies to help them take care of the child. They’ll have their money to provide for the child and likely the father will be involved in some way if for no other reason than to claim some of the limelight. Their lifestyle is not threatened by the addition of a child and they will likely not feel the negative effects of their decision like “normal” people.
Different Struggles
The famous people like Halle Berry to the infamous Nadya Suleman do not necessarily have the same struggles as me or the other single moms I encounter each day. There are three ladies at my job who, like me, have to make tough decisions about healthcare, after school care, stretching the money, and dealing with an absent father. There is no one to get up at night and take care of a sick child but us. No assistant. No nanny.
Doing it All vs. Having it All Done for You
The average single mom has to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, tutoring, and chauffeuring, on top of working 8-10 hours a day, and keeping it together on the surface. In truth, single motherhood is hard on the body, mind, and spirit. Depression may always be underneath the surface. Recent studies show that single moms are 40% more likely to suffer from depression than married moms. The reasons for depression vary so there is no one size fits all treatment for every single mom.
Depression Trap
Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts and gradual withdrawal from society and their children. Some studies show that children of single moms are at greater risk for being abused. There are some days when I am just at the end of my rope. I can’t take hearing my name called one more time and if I do I just want to scream. So I go to the bathroom, lock the door, and just let the sobs and tears flow. This scenario is not necessarily the norm but it does happen more than I or other single moms would like. Celebrity single moms can just hand them over to the nanny and escape to a spa for a few hours.
Isolation vs. An Entourage
Isolation is a big issue for me and other single moms. The feeling of loneliness is pervasive and there seems to be no escape. The cycle of caretaking seems endless and day by day our emotional cups get drained with no hope in sight of being re-filled. I don’t expect my kids to take care of my emotional or physical needs but that doesn’t diminish the need to be filled. That is why taking a time out is so important and so is finding a way to get pampered. We may have to trade childcare, use coupons to get pampered, or save up to pay a sitter for a couple of hours while we escape to the movies or something. These resources are readily available to celebrity single moms and they likely have people around most of the time to interact with, which eases the feelings of loneliness
With all these things to contend with on a daily basis the average single mother would hardly glorify their status. Being a single mom is the hardest job on the planet and no matter how you or I came to be single moms, at the end of the day we get to do it all and can look forward to doing it again tomorrow. Hopefully our children, especially, our daughters will benefit from different circumstances, but for today let’s just love them in our current reality.
6 comments:
[...] Is Single Motherhood Too Glorified? [...]
I totally disagree with your stance on this. This is an argument that I've never understood. It makes about as much sense to me as the WSJ article that ran during Obama's run for president. The reporter interviewed Black men who were going to see their probation officers. Those men were angry that everybody was calling Obama Black, but they said that Obama is not really Black because he doesn't understand the "real" struggles of Black men because he doesn't have to report to a probation officer each month, or wear a house-arrest bracelet on his ankle. So, does that mean that your rap sheet determines whether or not you're black? Does a Black man who transcends poverty and a community steeped in a culture of violence no longer Black if he becomes a doctor or lawyer?
First of all, SINGLE mom is a marital status, not a socio-economic condition. And that's where the negative stereotypes and images come from. Are married parents who live below the poverty line any less married? Does their income level and inability to provide a nanny or private nurse for their children make them single moms and dads even though they're married?
Just like the Black men on parole, there will always be single moms who feel like they are more entitled to wear the crown than others. They'll be the ones singing the 'Your blues ain't like mine' song. But at the end of the day, President Obama, Henry Louis Gates, Danny Glover, Colin Powell, and the likes, are still Black. And all is takes is one run-in with the law for them to get their nigger-wake-up call and remind them. And at the end of the day, celebrity single moms like Brittney Spears, Fantasia, and Taraji P. Henson are still single mothers who have had to endure custody battles and worrying about whether they're doing the right thing by working versus staying at home with their children. And you might say that at least they have the option to choose. But, I once had a married co-worker who got angry with our boss (a single mom) because she was a VP and could afford a nanny, and she couldn't. So there will always be that great divide.
I must say that there are always those that will have and those that will have not. Single parenting is a status NOT an identity and quite frankly, I would like to see society disassociate struggling and single mom as synonyms.
I believe that the single moms that are the most overlooked are the single moms that make strong salaries, have worked hard to move ahead, are positive, confident, educated and poised. Instead society tends to glorify the "woe is me" single mom that is struggling to make ends meet.
For too many years I wore the "proud" single momma banner. Now, no more! Although I'm getting out of the club, I am still committed to "Activating Confidence and Inspiring Wisdom" in the single parent family.
@Lisa I appreciate your stance and for providing a different perspective on this issue. It is definitely something to think about.
@Montina I concur that the most overlooked are the single moms that fall into the middle class spectrum. I am there and working my way out of the club as well. Throughout history the majority single moms, whether because of death, divorce, or dessertion have struggled because they don't have the financial or emotional support as a married woman would. It is basically a status issue but it runs over into a socio-economic issues as well.
Thanks so much for your feedback!
[...] article on CNN.com kind of ties into yesterday’s post, Is Single Motherhood Too Glorified and let’s me know that there is beginning to be a shift in feminist thinking. I really don’t to [...]
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